Friday, June 15, 2012


Yesterday afternoon, we had to say goodbye to who we consider one of our family members, our family dog Missy. Missy was going to be 20 years old this October. She lived a long happy life and I cant believe that I got to be apart of her life for that long. I mean I’ve had her since I was 5. I remember going to where we picked up missy from – I remember her mom was big and barked a lot and sitting in the living room where I think they had a toy train running. We picked 2 puppies – one was for us and another was for another family that we were meeting later to drop off more near their house. I remember sitting in the back of our old van thinking how can I choose? – I don’t remember if I really chose or not but I do remember I named missy’s sister Montana because it rhymed with my middle name Santana. Missy’s name came later – it was around Christmas time when we got her and I think originally we named her snow white but then a little later daddy suggested we name her mistletoe and call her Missy. And so it began.
Missy was in the background of our Christmas pictures that year and many years to follow. She was The Travel dog. She went everywhere with us and always wanted to be with us. She would even sit in the van while we played softball or other sports. But she didn’t always stay there. She liked the escape out the small van window and meet us wherever we were.  I remember once in elementary school we had a track meet and we must have been running a 100m dash. Well while I was running I felt something kick under my leg and zoom! There goes missy on the track to win first place J.  She came with us and would jump like a goat from rock to rock when we went hiking to places where Natasha would outdoor climb. Once dad had to carry missy down bc the rocks were so hot but she never complained. Even as we got older and Thomas and I were dating we would take her out on our day trips – one time we tried to go up to mt Hamilton to look for snow – they blocked the roads off so we headed over the hill to the beach – on our way we found out missy really doesn’t like horses and she barked and barked. At the beach she ran with Thomas. She loved running. She would run in the backyard at my grandma’s old house and I remember thinking she was like a white blur she was so fast. Another time we were playing with her at the park and we threw her a squishy nerf football  and she had it in her mouth and she was running so fast towards us she ran straight into a green fence! She ran at the beach but never really got in the water. Oh and the snow. She loved the snow – she could stay out there for hours – even longer than boba who was a pup at the time. She would chase us when we went sledding and jump and bite the snow. It was the only time we saw a tinge of yellow on missy’s coat – otherwise she was always pure white.
And speaking about running – man would she run when I would open a package of deli ham from costco. She knew exactly what it was from the packaging. Missy loved human food. And we always gave her some. I know some families don’t do this but really what are you gonna do when you have a puppy and  a 5, 3 and 2 year old J. Missy loved food but she also had a particular palette – for example we would order her an in n out burger and she would somehow with her teeth remove the tomato and leave it for us to pick up. One of my favorite memories was when we were in the van traveling and think Natasha or Tamara dropped their bubblegum ice cream. Missy picked up the scoop of ice cream in her mouth  - the whole thing- and tilted her head back to make it go down easier – bright blue ice cream dripping down her pretty white fur – but I know she enjoyed it. When dad was doing a test run for my wedding cake my dad left it on the kitchen counter. Now missy isn’t very tall but when dad turned around there was a bite mark on the very edge of his freshly baked cake and a smiling missy.
 I always thought that Missy lived a long life because of we gave her human food – I mean its gotta be less processed than dog food right? – and because we loved her so much.
We love her so much. I love her so much. She was my childhood dog – I would stage photoshoots with her and make her look like she was typing or reading a book. We would dress up and she would be in our pictures, we gave her piggy back rides. She was so sweet. I always thought knew that she could understand what I was saying. A lot of the times growing up you feel like noone understands but she would just sit with me and lick at my tears when I would cry – my puppies now don’t even do that.
Missy was a firecracker to the end – she would give such a fit when my dogs – probably the young pups to her- would come over – she would bark and bark. Oh and she hated boys – only my dad and grandpa did she love – every other boy she would bark like crazy – I can remember my friend nick even covering his face with a sweatshirt and trying to talk to missy in a high pitched voice – she watched for 2 seconds and then figured it out and gave him an earful. In missy’s last few days she got out of the house while trying to pack for Yosemite. Someone found her that night and took her to the humane society and I picked her up the next day. The worker said she would go get missy for me and so in the back she went. It took a few minutes and finally she came out with this teenage guy holding missy in his arms. She said ‘ missy wasn’t really interested in walking’ – of course not – who wouldn’t want to be carried J well they put her in the back of my car and the worker remarked ‘how did she even get lost’ – I know right?. She knew what she could get away with.

When we came back from our trip missy started to get pretty weak and not really eating – even her favorite thing meat – no pepperoni or bacon. My mom and dad took her yesterday afternoon to be with Jesus. I Miss her so so much and I know that ill see her again in heaven  but for now ill hold onto these memories and pictures of her and know that she’s up there now running in a pain free body in the snow and eating all the costco ham she can find. I love you Missy and thank you for being in our life. Thank you for waiting until we were all home together and for meeting my son Kai. 

Sunday, December 19, 2010


So for those of you interested i thought i would write down what has happened the last few days with our puppy prime. again this is not for the faint of heart talking about poopies and stuff :-)

so it all started friday night when i was supposed to go to a friends party and my friend kimmy was going to pick me up. kimmy was running late because she couldnt find her purse. when she came over i gave her a quick tour of the house and then we went out to the garage through the backyard to go see my art studio. well when we walked out there boba followed and prime came out but stopped at the gate and he turned around to go back in the house. after like 2 minutes in the art studio me and kimmy walked back into the house and thomas asked me what i did - i asked what he meant and he said that Prime just threw up and pooped at the same time and he yelled at him and because he did it inside the house. prime was standing in the kitchen and i thought he was scared because he knew he wasnt supposed to do that in the house and thats why he wasnt moving. then we noticed he wasnt moving but still pooping. which we thought was wierd of course but thought he was still just scared. thomas picked him up and put him on a blanket in the house and then he picked him up from the one couch and put him on the other couch to be closer to him. i bent down to say goodbye and noticed he wasnt really responding to me. i picked him up and his body was limp his eyes were open but he wasnt even holding his head up. i yelled at thomas and told him he was lethargic and we needed to take him to the vet hospital now. thomas picked him up and i ran to the car. i was trying to get boba to get in the car but was having trouble and kimmy - the angel- was still there and helped us get boba in the car and i took prime and thomas drove while kimmy left.

as we were driving i called our vet and they said the nearest emergency care was in campbell i called the vet to tell them that we were coming and what happened. - (on a side note - i have called twice and thomas has called once, for a location of a nearer emergency vet clinic but they always told us campbell. well when i was in the car i was told that i could go to los altos/mountain view. another God thing because the adobe animal clinic was right on el camino by san antonio road about 15 minutes away.)

as i was holding prime and thomas was driving and booger was in the back i was talking to prime trying to make him feel more comfortable telling him we loved him and he was a fighter and i was so proud of him and praying for him. he was still limp so it was hard trying to keep his head up and hold him as we were driving and finding the vet location. we missed the turn and prime wasnt really crying and it was hard to tell if he was still breathing but he was just really shallow. when we got to vet thomas drove up right to the door to let me out and i ran out and there was two double doors before getting into the hospital and when i ran up to the second door one of the receptionists saw me and stood up and suddenly like 3 people rushed to me and opened the second door and the receptionist pointed to the corner door and was paging the doctor overhead to go to the 'trauma' room. when she pointed i ran with prime into the back and a couple people ran behind me and one person ran in front to direct me. i placed prime on the sliver table and they all looked up at me and i said his name is prime and he 8 months and started the whole story. as soon as i placed him down on the table there was like 5 people around him.

there was so much going on - one vet nurse or tech was graping the clippers to start an iv on his leg another was drawing blood, another was doing the blood work for results, and one was writing down everything the doctor was saying and what they were doing for him. one girl even took papertowels and wiped the poop on my arm and i didnt even notice because there was so much going on i only remember her grabbing my arm real quick.

the dr was asking us all these questions like - did you see him eat anything, is there gum, is there poinsettias, is there rat poison, does the gardner use weed killer. all no's - she said it looks like a toxin reaction or severe allergic reaction because he was having a seizure and then went into shock. thomas ran in with boba and we stood there watching as they worked on our baby puppy. the doctor was really great because she told us what she was doing as it was happening. she said that his blood sugar was low - 48 (normal 60-90) and that he was really cold 99 - ( 101 or 102). so they gave him dextrose, fluids, and wrapped him in a blanket and hot iv bags around his body. one nurse had to hold pressure on his neck because they took blood from him there but he was still bleeding after 10 minutes so the vet checked his platelets and they were low and then checked his liver enzymes and they were elevated and his white blood cells were low. she said it was a mystery why he wasnt clotting and they had to put a pressure bandage around his neck.

after the started to stabilize him they said we can see him when they settled him into the ICU. after about an hour it was finally ok to go see him and he was in his little kennel and he was still wrapped in blankets and iv bags and had an iv running with a pump. when i saw him he started to throw up again and the doctor held him as he threw up then added reglan to his iv bag as well as potassium. the doctor said we can always call in for questions but the noc doc was coming on but she would be back at 10 and we can come visit again anytime tomorrow. so we got home around 1230 and the doctor called us again and stated that the trauma that prime had experienced has caused blood flow to slightly stop to his intestines and he started 'sloughing' or loosing the top layer of his intestines leaking out of his bottom. she said it was tissue and bloody and i told her with his clotting problems i was afraid of a gi bleed and she said she was too but was more concerned about an infection and started him on antibiotics. we fell asleep and woke up at 830 to go visit prime again. it really didnt feel like sleep at all more like a blink of an eye.

in the morning we saw prime and he opened his eyes when i said his name and we gave him his ninja penguin. thomas put it with him to cuddle. the doctor said that now instead of being anemic that primes rbc's shot up and that when they start to come down he will feel better again. she said liver was the same and that they sent out a test for bile salts and would recieve the results the next morning. she said its still a mystery as to what happened but for now its a lot of supportive care. she also said his heart rate was up and he was moaning in the night so they increased his fluids and added pain medication. we said goodbye to prime and got some breakfast.

after breakfast we both dealt with our grief they way we can - thomas by sleeping with boba by his side and me keeping myself busy shopping and going to a 4b christmas party and clair'es welcome home party. before the parties i went to visit prime again with my mom dad and sister tam. They each got to see him and this time he lifted his head and tried to sit up but eventually slid down because he was so weak. he was cuddled with his penguin and i said goodnight.the doctor came in to to talk to me and my mom and she said we were lucky to get him in within 30 minutes of the incident and he was stable but still serious. thomas visited him like 4 hours later at 10pm to say goodnight and he was able to actually hold prime in a towel. the vet stated that he was doing better and might be able to go home the next day after more blood tests and results. thomas put our christmas picture up in his kennel and said that one of the nurses gave him a warm bath earlier that day and swaddled him like a baby and held him for like 30 mins and thought that he really liked that. prime loves to snuggle so im sure he did. as thomas left he placed him back in the cagte and he said as he was leaving that he started to cry - like normal - and one of the nurses went to see him - which is great because before he didnt even have the strength to do that.

at 0945 the vet called me and said that primes bile salts test came back normal and that his rbc and platelets were normal. his protein was low but thats bc of his gi stuff going on and he has only been eating a few bites of warm baby food like every six hours and only if you put it in his mouth. she said his liver enzymes were still slightly elevated but near normal. so she said he will need medication to help aid his liver in healing, an antibiotic for infection and a med for his GI. the vet said that she still doesnt really know what it was but maybe it was a sting or a bite and that caused a severe allergic reaction or still a toxin. thomas and i searched high and low for things that could be poisonous for him but we couldnt find anything so it makes more sense if it was a poisonous spider or maybe a snake in the back. so thomas and i are going to have our gardener mow as close to the ground as possible in the background. because even though the weeds and such are not very long there still could be an invitation for things we dont want. the vet was really nice and after talking to us she said go back to sleep for a couple hours and to pick him up. so we picked him up today and he actually walked out on his own! 50x better than i saw him yesterday at 5pm. so now with his tail still wrapped, a few bouts of diarrhea, a small neck wound ( from a blood stick that wouldnt clot) and three shaved legs from iv's he's home. and we are a family again. for anyone interested how boba is during this whole ordeal - she was a great sissy. when we were in the trauma room she heard him moan once and she immediatley walked over to the table trying to see him. then she has serisously not been out of our site for 1 minute. we kept her in the car when we went somewhere, we kept the door to outside closed and walked out with her when she needed to go the bathroom. she's also been more snuggly. also when prime got sick boba was carrying around a pink duck in her mouth right before it happened. since he's been gone she has carried that duck with her onto the couch , giving it to me when i come in the door, and also carrying it and sleeping with it on the bed. since he's been home she has smelled him and licked his head. she also has been really gentle and hasnt really tried to play with him because i think she knows he's still healing. definetly puts things in a different perspective - feeling helpless, having hope, and being nervous about taking care of him at home. but we're together and healing and love each other so much and thats all that matters with all thanks to God, and your love and prayers. Merry Christmas.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010


Today Thomas and I went shopping for Christmas decoration. He was so awesome. We decorated for Halloween pretty good and that was a lot for Thomas because his family used to decorate a lot for Halloween our family always did trick or treating so we didn’t really decorate. But Christmas, I’m crazy about. I mean it’s Jesus’ holiday. Families are together, you take perspective on your life, think more about your blessings, and like Thomas said earlier although it’s busy it just seems like things are lower key and relaxing. Feelings of freshly baked cookies, warm houses and beautiful sights to see. Anyways Thomas was really good to me today because we went shopping for decorations and he picked out a Christmas pillow especially for me or put the penguin salt and pepper shakers I wanted but put back into the cart when I wasn’t looking. Then after coming home and it being freezing out he helped me decorate the outside at 8 o clock at night. He’s an amazing husband. And he makes life so much better. I don’t tell him I love him enough.Wishing you all a wonderful and love filled December.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Just Tell Me What To Do

I had a patient today - that was really anxious because he couldnt remember where he was or how he got there. of course definetly a scary thing that i cant even imagine how unsettling it must be to be so confused for even a moment that you can't even remember how you got to where you are. as soon as i got into the patient's room - i asked him his name - the president, if he knew where he was and he got all those right. at this time he was sitting at the edge of the bed and i had wanted him to lay in bed and i asked him and he said " i dont care - just tell me what to do". thankfully i could - told him to get back in bed - give him his call light and to call if he feels anxious or confused again and i was going to call the md.

right now though i feel the same way - can someone " just tell me what to do"

with work being the way it is - all up in the air i just dont know which way is which anymore. so ECH gave me my packet today - basically they have listed all the positions on 3 units ( including my unit) - i am supposed to rank each job position 1-whatever number for which job i would like to work most. then they go down the list by seniority and match you up with your best choice and what's left - however they didnt write how many total positions are available - just what kind of positions are available. and since i am 22 from the bottom which is low low seniority - i have no idea if ill get a job or not. if you only put 3 choices you are willing to work and when it comes your turn to be matched and those positions are gone - then you are involuntary RIF'd ( laid off). if there's no more positions open by the time it gets to you then you are RIF'd. (RIF reduction in force - ie You're fired"

then there's the option of applying to other hospitals. now keep in mind - no 'job offers' ie letting you know what job you have ( if you have one) until october 8. so do i apply at other hospitals? some hospitals are hiring but not many. what about those hospitals and their contract negotions with benefits and such. its a new hospital and its unknown and scary. what if i get a better jobif i would have stayed with ECH then with this new hospital. what if the new hospital goes through a RIF as well. what about going into a non oncology unit? what about stress and time put into interviews and resume's. how far am i willing to go? and in addition - i got the letter 2 weeks after everyone else so others have already had interviews and gotten job offers 2 days after i got my WARN letter so im already late in the game - and basically screwed. so all these questions.

Can someone just tell me what to do. i guess this is where i leave and say - It's up to God. because really there's nothing left to do. We'll see where i end up - im just glad i have the friends, coworkers, family and two lovely baby puppies to support me. xoxo.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010


So this morning at 0900 - i got a call from my manager monica, stating that i will be receiving a WARN letter - bascially it means i could lose my job. if i dont lose my job then i will probably move onto a different shift, different hours, different unit.
lots of changes. - how am i feeling? ok i guess. i dont really understand whats going on but PRN (our union) will be having a meeting tomorrow that me and my friend sumini will go to tomorrow. also they are gonna put info on their website. what else am i feeling? - im scared, but really who isn't scared of the unknown. i was reading my friends blog - chris reynolds - who is in spain by the way for a whole year teaching and im super proud of him - and he was talking about his fears of the unknown as well. so good or bad change is still scary for everyone. what else am i feeling - a bit of anger and frustration but i am trying not to dwell on those feelings because thats not how i want to feel. i was really looking forward to these next few days off - since i got off on sunday early at 3 with a mandatory HC ( aka we were overstaffed and had to be sent home). i wouldnt have to be back at work until friday. well sunday when i got home i fell asleep at 530 pm and woke up at 11 with what i thought were allergies. well went back to bed and woke up the next morning feeling horrible. cold/ flu like symptoms - i got out of bed a max of 3 times. thomas was really nice and went out and got me food - the new forms of chicken noodle soup i enjoy - tortilla soup from el pollo loco and chicken pho - a vietnamese soup.
both were yummy and helped my tummy since i was taking all that gross dayquill that burns my stomach.

then i start to feel better on tuesday and hang out with daddy and mommy and boba even took and passed her canine good citizenship test! i know she could do it - she had a few boba bumps aka her stubborness where she kept looking at her daddy and not listening but she passed and thats all that counts. now we can go on to therapy dog classes and i think we get a percentage off on our homeowners insurance.

boba got a celebratory toro that moos hahah. and they got this panda bear where you stuff it with a soda bottle instead of stuffing - which is good bc prime has a knack for making little holes and ripping out stuffing. and boba gets to share with prime - bc she has too :) but also because he was there for moral support and helped cheer sissy on!

so then today i get this news about the layoffs. but i want to enjoy my last 2 days off before i have to work work work. but lets not think about this. im gonna go out and do things. i have already told my family and friends and i have a great support system and everyone keeps reminding me to give it up to God. and really its so comoforting to know i dont have anything i can do and that He is big enough to take care of it. it's hard for me to give up control but when i get in the situation where i dont even have any control - its a welcome break. so for now. im going to live life chin up , and go to dennys for breakdfast and then a place that always cheers me up - window shop at Target. you know you love me xoxo.

Monday, August 9, 2010


from present to past! :)